My high school crush knows I'm queer

Before you think of anything about this high school crush of mine, let me tell you straight, it's not a HE but a SHE. Yes, Roxie (not her real name of course - she'll kill me for this name though), who is a close friend of mine, was also my high school crush. Well, I must admit I had a few good looking guy schoolmates then and I admired them for being such. Then again, they were just mere eye candies to the gullible queer eyes.

I'd been meaning to meet Roxie. One reason for that was I owe her a coffee drink... no, two coffee drinks from Starbucks. We had a few attempts in the past year to meet up for coffee, but our busy schedules weren't fitting enough. Last Friday, July 27, was the fulfillment of a long-awaited day, and I got a revelation for her she didn't expect.

Apparently, my "telling the story" of our rendezvous was not initially planned. For all I knew then, I just wanted to meet her personally to exchange each other's recent stories and catch up on our friendship. Though we got to talk almost everyday through Instant Messaging over Yahoo! Messenger, we did not often have all the time to chitchat (We had work to do, you know... hehe). It's just fortunate timing that I was confident enough to open up to her.

I was so at ease to tell her about who I really am, which was surprisingly weird to me, as I was not good being in such a situation. I divulged the truth, but not through verbal execution, as lingering folks were just nearby - I didn't want to be in peril of "being known" by unknown people, not totally ready for that. So, I simply made a draft SMS on my phone, averring the queerness in me, and just said to read it from there and to tell me frankly her reactions. The SMS merely was...

Would you believe...
I'm gay...
Naghinala ka na ba dati pa? (Did you ever suspect I was such?)

Roxie did not have any sign of disdain, oddity or even mere surprise on her face. She was more of speechless I guessed (Or maybe because I was mostly doing all the talking and didn't give her the time to speak without me interrupting). I asked her again if she had suspicions, way back in our high school years, that I was a queer lad hiding in the closet. Her simple answer was no. She added that even if there were people asking her about my identity then in school, she simply said I wasn't what they were thinking - I was simply "that". (For one good feeling, I was touched by what Roxie said. She somehow "unknowingly" defended my vulnerable self then, who wasn't ready to unlock the closet)

The conversation went on; I did a fast track of the queer stuff of my yore to what's been in the recent. Roxie just listened patiently to my statements of far-out experiences and reformed beliefs. She did not expect I had gone through such occurrences and situations, of premature illicit sexual exposure, lack of familial emotional support, etcetera...

Happiness was what Roxie felt for me - that I was finally into what I had been neglecting years back. She just advised me on the realm that I am into. And I thanked her for that.

We finished our drinks way ahead the culmination of our talk. The mall was already closing when we finally capped the date. We parted ways with anticipation to meet once again before my departure to Israel.

Roxie had a great time, as she said she had. I had a meaningful moment with her as well. It's really nice to share life to close people, like close friends. It's like refurbishing olden ties to make them stronger.

I believed since then, that our friendship has become more grounded. Besides, as far as I can recall, that was our first heart to heart conversation. Thanks Roxie! (^_^)

A "Real" Trip to Jerusalem

This is breath taking! I just received a confirmation e-mail from my superiors that I'll be going to Israel for a two-month project in our newly acquired office there. Apparently, it's flattering to have myself chosen. Then again, it's a bit nerve-wrecking that I only have one week to prepare before the expected departure to the "Holy Place". Gosh! I am not so prepared!

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(1754 : This just in!) Good news for me. I got an e-mail that my flight will be deferred until August 17. Whew... Now I have more time to prepare myself for it. (^_^)

Only Human

While I was fixing my hair this morning and listening to my phone's music playlist, Jed Madela's revival of Human (from his new album Jed Madela: Only Human) went on playing.

It's not my attitude to pay much attention to the words of a song, or to any song for that matter. As long as I like the melody, I'd appreciate the music. I've heard Human a number of times as I often play it from my office laptop but I never heed its lyrics. I just realized this morning that the song ponders on a human fact that most people overuse and "lamely" use.

Human, born to make mistakes....

It's true, we humans are faulty; But we should not focus on such predisposing reality that we may and we can avoid doing. Most people would make use of this as an excuse to their misdemeanors. I surmise it's a natural attack from their defensive minds. I too am guilty of such. On the other hand, I think it's better to mind what we can do on averting mistakes instead of just letting ourselves merely vulnerable... Just a thought. (^_^)

Live Free or Die Hard

John McClane never fails to entertain me with his death-defying and superficially executed stunts in this fourth serving of the Die Hard series. This time, John's into plotting the mastermind of a hacking scheme that wreaks havoc to the American denizens.

Generally, I am not a fan of hard action-packed films, but Die Hard is an exception to it. I like how Bruce Willis portrays the role of gutsy and easy-going McClane. Not to mention, I am an admirer of Bruce Willis. (^_^)

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Infected by Trinoma

A new frontier disease is lurking at the northernmost terminus of the MRT station, and the Ayala elites call it Trinoma. Haha!

Well, I just can't seem to stop wondering why this mall is called Trinoma. It really sounds like a disease - I've known a number of people, coming from my friends and from some individuals of the Web, who would agree on this. Trinoma can seemingly be listed on a medical book together with carcinoma, helanoma, adenoma, lymphadenoma, neurinoma and seminoma. Even its "root word" noma (as I assume tri- to be a prefix, which indicates the triangular area covered by the mall) is defined by WordNet as an acute ulceration of the mucous membranes of the mouth or genitals; often seen in undernourished children.

OK... enough of the blah blah....

Trinoma, according to a WordPress blog I saw last week, is named as such to mean Triangle North of Makati/Manila. Gosh... I think the choice of acronym is plain feebleness. Anyway....

Last Saturday, I was there. Yes I was... to meet my college clique for another "chaotic" reunion.

As I'd known it to be, Trinoma was still in it's soft opening phase, with several unopened stores and sections. Below are some pictures I took while lingering inside the 4-level infrastructure.

Apparently Feminine!

Personality tests, IQ tests, psychological tests... the list goes on. Such tests are a fancy to my curious mind. Almost all of the time, whenever I bump into a website, like Tickle, I'd get myself answering an interesting one.

A few days back, I took the "Your Gender Identity" test. It's not that I am not certain on the gender traits that I have, don't get me wrong. I have known myself to be more feminine than masculine, and that's what I expected the outcome of the exam would be. And so, it did.

Well, that was a bit surprising, 63% femininity, crawling through my veins and nerves. The result was a tad shy than what I anticipated. It seemed my system's getting favor now from my endocrinal testosterone.

My gender type according to the outcome? Androgynous.

Androgynous: People who are androgynous have both strong masculine and strong feminine qualities. Androgynous people tend to be both action and people oriented, and are usually able to successfully take on a diverse range of roles that cross gender-role boundaries.

Well, I surmise it's a fact - I'm really straddling in between! (^_^)

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

A rarity of it's kind, last night I was fortunate to turn on the TV and check out a few channels while eating my evening repast. Whimsically pressing the remote control and changing cable feeds, I suddenly bumped into the ET show and saw what I would call a mere surprise to me - Nicholas Cage and his co-stars were shooting the sequel of National Treasure.

A sequel? I didn't know that! I've appreciated and enjoyed National Treasure when I saw it in the big screen. I even watched it several times since then in DVD. Such type of flicks are some of the many I like watching in the same way I enjoyed Indiana Jones and The Mummy.

I am hoping National Treasure: Book of Secrets, which will be released December of this year, will carry on the fun, thrills and mysteries in the same degree of or even surpassing its prequel.

(Photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

"Apo, bakla cu"

::Saturday, July 14, Brunch Time::

The morning was gloomy then and I had a long good night respite from my humble beddings. My mind was dry from all the past week's overwhelming encounters and thoughts - it's imperative to have a hefty break. My breakfast was my lunch and my lunch was my breakfast. I took quite a longer than usual bath to renew myself from the taxing remnants of a mind-boggling week. And then I went to my unprecedented revelation.

My "Apo" (that's what I call my grandparents) was playing cards on her usual siesta time. I approached her and jumpstarted a seemingly atypical conversation ('Twas my first time to have such a talk with her).

Our tête-à-tête went from talking about my parents, how they’d been, how they’d handled us, their children. I was surprised actually then, that my Apo was hiding some thoughts about me as a child of my parents, and how I got along pretty well with what had happened in the yore – that despite my parents’ emotional unattachment (especially with my mother) to us, their children, we were very accepting and considerate. (To tell you the truth, I have never opened up any problems to my parents [except maybe for some temporal ones]. They are not the expressive type. It’s just lately that I try to be the one who starts talking just to motivate them.) Several topics regarding me and my family went in, segueing from one to another; then I felt like crying for some sentimental reasons. I wasn’t nervous then as I was, surprisingly, very comfortable with my Apo, despite my prior wariness for her being a "sagrada Catolica" (conservative Catholic), thinking my revelation might set her aback in dismay, or something to that effect. She was very commiserating as I talked, rubbing her palm on my back. She felt that I was burdened and asked me to let out whatever it was that was bothering me. Hugging her once in a while helped me muster the courage to actually speak out. With extreme care and boldness, I averred, “Apo, bakla cu” (“Grandma, I’m gay”).

Then she hugged me, and hugged her in return. My Apo was so comforting and affectionate. Without a hint of abhorrence, I felt her sincere acceptance. She said, “Baka yan ing caburyan na ning Guinu queca” (“Maybe that’s what God planned for you”).

I have loved my Apo since I was a child. And now… now that I share my true self with her, I love her even more! Thanks Apu! Caluguran da cang tune!

Emotionally Investing...

I'm thrashing through the meandering path of jeopardy
Uncertain of what will commence.
I'm fearful but ready
Wary but naive.
It's a risk I am taking.
A sincere act I choose to do.
I only rely on what I sense
That's all and just I.

So here I am, ready to take a step
Of jovial pursuit and wishful sighs.
Though I know that the path is rough
I still take courage to move ahead;
Even if bereavement is imminent.

Whatever happens, I am responsible.
For this life that I keep, I is the navigator.
Play safe no more - it's not living at all.
'Cause I'd want to fail trying
Than not trying at all.

Back from Reprieve

I've been away for nine days and now I'm back! There are a lot of catching up to do - for work and for this blog. A lot of stories to tell to colleagues and close friends. Arrghh... Sometimes I think taking a vacation is not really a good thing. It gives you the pleasure of being in a surreal state then suddenly arrests you and transports you back to reality without gradual transition. Just like this one I had. Haha! Nevertheless, the joy and experience I had is irreplaceable, right Beyonce? (Uber corny!)

Oh well, I better get going and do my chores. (^_^)