Monday, July 30, 2007

My high school crush knows I'm queer

Before you think of anything about this high school crush of mine, let me tell you straight, it's not a HE but a SHE. Yes, Roxie (not her real name of course - she'll kill me for this name though), who is a close friend of mine, was also my high school crush. Well, I must admit I had a few good looking guy schoolmates then and I admired them for being such. Then again, they were just mere eye candies to the gullible queer eyes.

I'd been meaning to meet Roxie. One reason for that was I owe her a coffee drink... no, two coffee drinks from Starbucks. We had a few attempts in the past year to meet up for coffee, but our busy schedules weren't fitting enough. Last Friday, July 27, was the fulfillment of a long-awaited day, and I got a revelation for her she didn't expect.

Apparently, my "telling the story" of our rendezvous was not initially planned. For all I knew then, I just wanted to meet her personally to exchange each other's recent stories and catch up on our friendship. Though we got to talk almost everyday through Instant Messaging over Yahoo! Messenger, we did not often have all the time to chitchat (We had work to do, you know... hehe). It's just fortunate timing that I was confident enough to open up to her.

I was so at ease to tell her about who I really am, which was surprisingly weird to me, as I was not good being in such a situation. I divulged the truth, but not through verbal execution, as lingering folks were just nearby - I didn't want to be in peril of "being known" by unknown people, not totally ready for that. So, I simply made a draft SMS on my phone, averring the queerness in me, and just said to read it from there and to tell me frankly her reactions. The SMS merely was...

Would you believe...
I'm gay...
Naghinala ka na ba dati pa? (Did you ever suspect I was such?)

Roxie did not have any sign of disdain, oddity or even mere surprise on her face. She was more of speechless I guessed (Or maybe because I was mostly doing all the talking and didn't give her the time to speak without me interrupting). I asked her again if she had suspicions, way back in our high school years, that I was a queer lad hiding in the closet. Her simple answer was no. She added that even if there were people asking her about my identity then in school, she simply said I wasn't what they were thinking - I was simply "that". (For one good feeling, I was touched by what Roxie said. She somehow "unknowingly" defended my vulnerable self then, who wasn't ready to unlock the closet)

The conversation went on; I did a fast track of the queer stuff of my yore to what's been in the recent. Roxie just listened patiently to my statements of far-out experiences and reformed beliefs. She did not expect I had gone through such occurrences and situations, of premature illicit sexual exposure, lack of familial emotional support, etcetera...

Happiness was what Roxie felt for me - that I was finally into what I had been neglecting years back. She just advised me on the realm that I am into. And I thanked her for that.

We finished our drinks way ahead the culmination of our talk. The mall was already closing when we finally capped the date. We parted ways with anticipation to meet once again before my departure to Israel.

Roxie had a great time, as she said she had. I had a meaningful moment with her as well. It's really nice to share life to close people, like close friends. It's like refurbishing olden ties to make them stronger.

I believed since then, that our friendship has become more grounded. Besides, as far as I can recall, that was our first heart to heart conversation. Thanks Roxie! (^_^)

4 comments:

Dan Gabriel said...

That's great! It is wonderful to reconnect with people from your past, especially when you realize that the bond was never broken.

MISTERHUBS said...

I had my own Roxie back in gradeschool and when I finally admitted to her about me being gay, I got the same reaction. Our friendship got stronger, I think, because of that.

Good luck on your Israel trip! :-)

Drake said...

@Dan Gabriel: Yeah, feels so good to reestablish ties.
@Misterhubs: It's nice to know that. Thanks!

Roxie said...

I am sooo loathing you! I mean c'mon! You could've thought something better than Roxie! Grrr >_<

Oh well, of course I was just kidding and I didn't really mean that. Hehe...

I love you more than ever now. And I never felt so connected to any friends that I have/had my whole life. Haaaay... speechless... Basta masaya talaga ako para sayo.