A Declaration to My Parents

September 23, 2007
- Sunday -
In 1972, this was the same day martial law was announced to the public by the then president Ferdinand Marcos.

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My Mama and I, together with my youngest brother, were watching DVD inside our family room on a rainy afternoon. My Tatang (father), on the other hand, was taking a bath, preparing himself for his weekend pastime with his friends.

"There is something inside me that wants to explode. It has been whirling round my mind and I cannot help but be preoccupied by it. There is willingness inside, a humble soul that wants to speak his heart. But is it courageous enough? I hoped it is."

Yacu (Me): "Ma, ninung ginawa quing nickname cu."
(Who invented my nickname?)
Mama: "Di dara mu. I dara mung D**y. Ya naman mamyeng lagyu que cayu."
(Your Aunt D**y. She's the one who creates nicknames for you and your cousins.)
Yacu: "Bala na kasi ning meg-interview cacu napun gawa-gawa que. Sabi cu pin caya, Tita cu ing ginawa quing nickname cu. Childhood nickname que pa ita."
(The interviewer thought I made it myself. I said then to her that my Aunt was the one who made it. It's a childhood nickname.)
(Mama did not reply after this. She intently watched the movie.)
Yacu: "Ene kasi balung i-pronounce. I think she found it too... [unuttered:gay]"
(She did not know how to pronounce it. I think she found it too.... [unuttered:gay])

"Gosh! I could not utter the word! Err..."

"Why can't I say it? Am I too scared? Too ashamed to say it? I've just made an introduction just to help me spill out the right words..."

My Tatang finished bathing and went on choosing a shirt to wear from the cabinet. I asked him, "Are you going?". "Yes", he said, sensing a bit weird on my tone.

"Why do you ask", he said.
"Uhmmm. I want to say something"
"What is it?"
(I paused.)
"You want me to buy you something?"
"No. Uhmmm... I'll just tell you tomorrow.", I said, getting a bit cowardly at that moment.
(Mama just watching intently on the TV.)
"He wants you to buy me and him a laptop.", my youngest brother jokingly told.
"No, it's not that.", I answered quickly.
"Then what is it?", Tatang said, a bit annoyed by my hesitance.
"Uhmmm..."
"What is it? You'll just make me worry, thinking about that if you'll not tell it now."
Mama suddenly spoke up, a bit agitated. "Tell us. Here we go again. You start telling something, then suddenly you stop talking."
"Uhmmm..."
"What is it? About what?", Tatang said.
"Uhmmm... It's about me."
"Then, what about you?"
"Uhhh... Yesterday, during the interview... the interviewer asked me if I were straight or gay..."
(Finally... I uttered the word.)
"So what did you say?"
(Surprised by the boldness my father demonstrated, I got a bit awestruck...)
"The truth...", I said.
"('Yon naman pala...) I told you before, we [your parents] are here just to give you advice. I never forced you to do anything against your will. Besides, we can't really choose who our children will be. As long you are being a good citizen, there's no problem with that. I do not ask anything more than for you my children to be very loving to each other."
"As long as you're not doing anything wrong...", my Mama added.

"Hearing those kind words come from my parents' mouths was total bliss. The passing of arguments, the cries, the nonacceptance... that I imagined before is not what I encountered."

I hugged my Mama, while my Tatang was saying his words. When he finished, he went on his way towards the room's door. I said, "Wait!".

Then was the time I had my longest hug with my father.

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"My parents are naturally evasive from the common family drama that one would watch from a telenovela. I've long been accepting that fact. Despite their mere expression of thoughts and feelings, I know deep down those straight faces is a humble manifestation of parental love to their child that is I." (^_^)

A mis padres, los amo mucho!

Re: To be one of the 100?

Call time: 10AM.

I arrived half an hour early on the site at the ABS-CBN compound. The heavy rains then would have convinced me to cancel my attendance. But then, my friend, who accompanied me to the screening, was eager to help me get over my second thought. It was just too bad he wasn't allowed to go inside the compound as only invited persons were permitted.

Going inside the entrance gate, a security guard, slash event marshal, asked for the invitation SMS. Checking it was valid, he let me pass through.

Around 40 people were there, under the covered area for 1 vs. 100 applicants. I queued to get a Basic Application form. When I reached the counter, the man asked for the SMS invitation and a valid ID. I turned in my phone and my Social Security System ID card. After he searched for my long name, he let me sign my record entry on the applicant's list, to make sure my slot was filled, and handed over the Basic Application form.

10 AM came in and I wasn't yet finished filling up the queries on the form. One of the event marshals instructed the participants to follow him towards the studio where the tests would be given. I just completed the form when I took my seat inside the cold studio room.

The Test

I only expected an exam paper, filled with anything-under-the-sun questions. Yes, I was given that. But it was not the only test I needed to pass. Before the written examination commenced, all the participants had a dose of some slapstick "mature" comedy. Yes. The cold room was suddenly transformed into a comedy bar. I laughed a few times, for some corny reasons, but most of the time, the host wasn't funny at all. Or probably it was the other way around -it was just me who wasn't getting the hang of his raunchy humor.

According to the host, he needed to do his comic routine in order to see who among us could handle seemingly ridiculing or abashing antics. Was he bluffing or not, that I did not know.

After almost an hour of "torturing" the conservative minds of some grandmothers inside the studio, the test papers came in.

The exam lasted for only 6 minutes. The number of questions? Thirty.

Items in the tests were pulled from various topics: from World History to Greek Mythology, to Sciences, to Calendar Events, to Showbiz, to Pinoy Common Knowledge, etcetera, etcetera. The questions are literally a combination of sorts. On the first minute of the exam, I was actually quite awestruck as I wasn't able to answer quite surely on my first run on the papers. Probably because my brain was lagging from two years of suspension to such examination. Fortunately, I was able to drive my brain cells to work and answered the best I could.

The Test Result

When all the papers were checked, they were turned over back to the host to announce which ones qualified. As he was announcing the names of those who passed, I waited patiently, hoping my answers were good enough to make me qualify. 5... 10... 15 names were called... I did not hear my name. Then out of nowhere, I heard a very familiar phrase... MY NAME WAS CALLED!

I went out of the studio to queue for the qualifier's list. When it was my turn on the booth, a lady facilitator took a picture of me, and had my finger marks digitally recorded, so as not to bring any identification cards if told to come back. She then told me to get a form and come back after an hour for the interview. What? A new form to fill-up and an interview? I thought I only needed to pass the test to become a player. Err...

The Interview

Not all the passers got an instruction to wait for immediate interview. Only 10 (more or less) waited. I wondered why.... My suspicion was that one of us remaining were still under consideration for the "1" spot (the main contestant's spot in the game). When it was my turn to be interviewed, I wasn't nervous at all. That was so unlikely because interviews had always been nerve-wrecking to me (I am just good in hiding the tension from the interviewer). On second thought, maybe I've changed. Hehe.

My interview elapsed for like 10-15 minutes. It was a casual conversation involving some slam-book questions. Everything went well - I answered all questions confidently, except for one, which made me stammer a bit. I did not see the question coming. So when I heard it, it was a bit mind-blocking. The question was: "Straight or gay?"

Whew!

Chuck and Larry

A quarter passed six in last evening, I arrived in this mall after approximately 10 minutes of cantering from the office. Good thing the atmosphere outside wasn't too humid to incite my sweat glands to work, else I'd be one sweaty fella on the run. Apparently I was 15 minutes late and my best friend, Sib, has been there waiting and gallivanting along the mall corridors. We did not have much time to waste as we planned to watch Chuck and Larry then. Time slot: 7:20 PM.

Good riddance, we still had time to grab some food as Sib was terribly famished. But before our gastronomic gratification, we went to the movie house ticket booth, asked for two tickets on the 7:20 slot, reserved good seats, then paid 300. With no much time to perform Elimination Method through the limited choices of food places available, we just opted to eat again at this diner-like place. We dined, that is, despite our time constraint, as we had less than half an hour to devour each repasts. Good riddance again, service was fast and the crew was very accommodating. I got Smoked Salmon and Gruyere Cheese Omelette with an extra serving of wheat bread on the side (yeah, I was starving alright, hehe). Sib ordered Grilled Chicken Tortilla Wrap (gosh, I actually liked hers, though the omelette was too persuasive to be shrugged off from my attention - I'm a sucker for eggs you know - no punning intended please =p). We emptied our plates... (Alright, only mine. Sib wasn't able to finish her food. Ergo, I got to take the leftovers. Haha! Talking about being a glutton.)... just in time to get the bill, pay, and head off to the cinema. Lucky us, we arrived a couple of minutes earlier before show time.

Inside the Movie House

The dark room was sparsely filled with viewers - I think there were less than 30 people inside. The "flashlight" lady helped us locate our seats - very comfy seats by the way, with cushioning support on the head. Sib and I were situated within the "best seats area". Unfortunately, the "best seats" qualifier was voided too early during the show due to some overacting XX-chromosomed viewers at my back who kept on splattering their annoying "oh no!", "no way!", "aaawwww", "oh my gosh".... Well, I just quelled the thought and enjoyed the rest of the flick.

The Movie

Apparently, the movie would superficially qualify to be comical in theme. Well, yes it was. A lot of times I went laughing, giggling or simply savoring the gay and not so gay punch lines of the casts. There were some eyebrow-raising scenes though, which gave me the instinctive I-don't-agree face, especially those relating to gay issues and the sex-crazed, promiscuous perception imposed on the queers - my default perception that is. At hindsight, I just let everything pass. Besides, it's a comic film.

Looking outside the box, the story was not mainly rooted on gay inspiration (though a lot of good insights regarding queers were shown) but on the idea of friendship. I won't tell much about it as I don't want to spoil anticipating viewers.

As a whole, the movie's worthy of good laughs and some good inspiration.

My high school crush knows I'm queer

Before you think of anything about this high school crush of mine, let me tell you straight, it's not a HE but a SHE. Yes, Roxie (not her real name of course - she'll kill me for this name though), who is a close friend of mine, was also my high school crush. Well, I must admit I had a few good looking guy schoolmates then and I admired them for being such. Then again, they were just mere eye candies to the gullible queer eyes.

I'd been meaning to meet Roxie. One reason for that was I owe her a coffee drink... no, two coffee drinks from Starbucks. We had a few attempts in the past year to meet up for coffee, but our busy schedules weren't fitting enough. Last Friday, July 27, was the fulfillment of a long-awaited day, and I got a revelation for her she didn't expect.

Apparently, my "telling the story" of our rendezvous was not initially planned. For all I knew then, I just wanted to meet her personally to exchange each other's recent stories and catch up on our friendship. Though we got to talk almost everyday through Instant Messaging over Yahoo! Messenger, we did not often have all the time to chitchat (We had work to do, you know... hehe). It's just fortunate timing that I was confident enough to open up to her.

I was so at ease to tell her about who I really am, which was surprisingly weird to me, as I was not good being in such a situation. I divulged the truth, but not through verbal execution, as lingering folks were just nearby - I didn't want to be in peril of "being known" by unknown people, not totally ready for that. So, I simply made a draft SMS on my phone, averring the queerness in me, and just said to read it from there and to tell me frankly her reactions. The SMS merely was...

Would you believe...
I'm gay...
Naghinala ka na ba dati pa? (Did you ever suspect I was such?)

Roxie did not have any sign of disdain, oddity or even mere surprise on her face. She was more of speechless I guessed (Or maybe because I was mostly doing all the talking and didn't give her the time to speak without me interrupting). I asked her again if she had suspicions, way back in our high school years, that I was a queer lad hiding in the closet. Her simple answer was no. She added that even if there were people asking her about my identity then in school, she simply said I wasn't what they were thinking - I was simply "that". (For one good feeling, I was touched by what Roxie said. She somehow "unknowingly" defended my vulnerable self then, who wasn't ready to unlock the closet)

The conversation went on; I did a fast track of the queer stuff of my yore to what's been in the recent. Roxie just listened patiently to my statements of far-out experiences and reformed beliefs. She did not expect I had gone through such occurrences and situations, of premature illicit sexual exposure, lack of familial emotional support, etcetera...

Happiness was what Roxie felt for me - that I was finally into what I had been neglecting years back. She just advised me on the realm that I am into. And I thanked her for that.

We finished our drinks way ahead the culmination of our talk. The mall was already closing when we finally capped the date. We parted ways with anticipation to meet once again before my departure to Israel.

Roxie had a great time, as she said she had. I had a meaningful moment with her as well. It's really nice to share life to close people, like close friends. It's like refurbishing olden ties to make them stronger.

I believed since then, that our friendship has become more grounded. Besides, as far as I can recall, that was our first heart to heart conversation. Thanks Roxie! (^_^)

"Apo, bakla cu"

::Saturday, July 14, Brunch Time::

The morning was gloomy then and I had a long good night respite from my humble beddings. My mind was dry from all the past week's overwhelming encounters and thoughts - it's imperative to have a hefty break. My breakfast was my lunch and my lunch was my breakfast. I took quite a longer than usual bath to renew myself from the taxing remnants of a mind-boggling week. And then I went to my unprecedented revelation.

My "Apo" (that's what I call my grandparents) was playing cards on her usual siesta time. I approached her and jumpstarted a seemingly atypical conversation ('Twas my first time to have such a talk with her).

Our tête-à-tête went from talking about my parents, how they’d been, how they’d handled us, their children. I was surprised actually then, that my Apo was hiding some thoughts about me as a child of my parents, and how I got along pretty well with what had happened in the yore – that despite my parents’ emotional unattachment (especially with my mother) to us, their children, we were very accepting and considerate. (To tell you the truth, I have never opened up any problems to my parents [except maybe for some temporal ones]. They are not the expressive type. It’s just lately that I try to be the one who starts talking just to motivate them.) Several topics regarding me and my family went in, segueing from one to another; then I felt like crying for some sentimental reasons. I wasn’t nervous then as I was, surprisingly, very comfortable with my Apo, despite my prior wariness for her being a "sagrada Catolica" (conservative Catholic), thinking my revelation might set her aback in dismay, or something to that effect. She was very commiserating as I talked, rubbing her palm on my back. She felt that I was burdened and asked me to let out whatever it was that was bothering me. Hugging her once in a while helped me muster the courage to actually speak out. With extreme care and boldness, I averred, “Apo, bakla cu” (“Grandma, I’m gay”).

Then she hugged me, and hugged her in return. My Apo was so comforting and affectionate. Without a hint of abhorrence, I felt her sincere acceptance. She said, “Baka yan ing caburyan na ning Guinu queca” (“Maybe that’s what God planned for you”).

I have loved my Apo since I was a child. And now… now that I share my true self with her, I love her even more! Thanks Apu! Caluguran da cang tune!

You got me

The start of my day was so bad - with lack of sleep, blurry vision, and a missed swim session - I was terribly out of my sanity zone. Adding up to my dismay was drizzling polluted rain on my way to the office. I was so lethargic I did not even bother to get my folding umbrella from my backpack and snap it open.

I was so not getting the feel of working and doing my planned tasks if not for the unexpected cute smile of my "chinito" officemate turned crush. Gosh! He melted me with his smile. It's a rare feat for him to notice me in a morning like this.

He is so chin-dropping mesmerizing cute! (Giggles!) He's sooo a boy-next-door guy, who'd ever think he's a husband and dad already (I didn't).

Too bad I can't share a picture of him. (^_^)

A purported gay voyeur sneaking on me

Yesterday, as I was doing my regular swim at a sports complex, I saw again this gay chap. I said to myself, "He's here again. I bet he's going to peep on me again if we bathe at the same time". Well, I can attest to my prejudice supposition because the last time I took a bath in the nude, he was restlessly peeking on my private parts.

And so, I continued my swim. Fifteen minutes later, the lanes were getting more and more crowded (now being shared by 3 people). I couldn't do my routine effectively; so, I decided to leave the pool and head for the men's bathroom to clean up. Surprisingly, this gay chap followed and went to take a bath also (This was was a bit weird 'cause he usually swims for an hour. Well, I don't know if he had the same reasons as I did for stopping.).

In the bathroom, I occupied the same spot - the less revealed area since the room had no door and is widely viewable from the dressing room. As I was soaping my body (not yet naked. I only remove my swim trunks just before I loofah), he went inside and got a spot right next to me. And so, as suspected, the violation of the sneaky-eyed gay chap had once more transpired soon after I started scrubing). I wasn't looking straight in his face to check if he was eyeing on my phallus. My periphery sufficed me well to affirm my assumption - he was peeping again. And what's more, when only the two of us were left in the bathroom, he lowered his swim trunks and occasionally fondled his tool while gazing at mine.

Frankly, I did not feel really violated by what he did. As far as I can recall, it's not even at par to the sexual irreverences I've experienced in the past. I was more of apathetic then; I just simply ignored every salacious look and self-fondling he did while I was finishing my scrub and bath. Abashment was what I felt for him; If his motive was to seduce me to grope or fondle with him, well sorry for him, I don't answer to such invitation.
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