Goodbye Drake

7:08PM February 13, 2008

Drake,

It occurred to me that you have been suffering for almost a year now from your brokenheartedness – that it has digressed you away from the original path of young goals and assumed purpose. The sudden emergence of your so-called “love life” is by far the most world-tumbling long-term experience of your life and it has been tormenting you a lot and is putting you to nowhere. You know for a fact that since you were just a young boy, you never aimed to venture into the realm of hearts. You were most of the time, the “universal friend” (with virtually no enemies whatsoever), the academically focused student, the encyclopedia-reading-while-defecating type, and the ever understanding eldest son. And yet, you did, unexpectedly but not surprisingly.

It’s been a long time Drake. You’ve been miserable enough and I apologize for the torment I’ve caused you. It came to me yesterday that you need absolute rest. So now, I am giving it to you….

Sincerely,
Francis

-----

I was reading the newspaper yesterday and I bumped into an article about love (since Valentine’s Day is just around the block). As I was reading along some parts of it, I suddenly had a realization of what has been with me since I cracked open my once dormant “love life”.

-----

Drake was born from almost a decade of suppressed feelings from my futile friendship-turned-love with Sen. I was so committed to him even though he might have not noticed that for a long time. Well, that was just me – the not-very-expressive person, the too-shy-to-tell guy. Sen was my high school best friend. He was the nicest thing that happened to me as far as my “love life” is concerned; Yet, also my biggest frustration.

We had a special kind of friendship, which was by far incomparable and unparalleled by the common guy-to-guy friendship one would see in our school. We were the type who gave each other cards and letters on special occasions. He was sweet and caring, yet not very vocal with his thoughts. I think I was responsive enough to his kindness and appreciated the things he did for me, albeit my reservations. As far as I could remember, we did not share much of our thoughts through personal interaction. Most of the time, we spoke our minds and hearts through exchanges of letters. At hindsight, for me that seemed to be a bit weird because we were best friends yet we rarely had personal heart-to-heart talks and confrontations. I guess that was one unique thing about our friendship – we had that level of trust and confidence on ourselves that despite the absence of the common communication found between best friends (i.e. the sharing of daily thoughts, frustrations or secrets), we stayed the friends that we were with no requirements whatsoever. We were just both accepting of each other. Though this worked for us, it also had its drawbacks, which I suppose was contributing to the sudden withering of our “best friendship” towards the last half of our high school – too bad for the two of us, we were both reserved with our words.

Our first two years in high school was our closest (the sweetest) until third year came when a sudden change happened. I wasn’t certain what caused our friendship to debilitate. As days passed by, we were setting different directions. On my side, I was getting more focused on my studies and was unconsciously drifting to oblivion about the state of our relationship. That year, no letters or cards were sent. Insensitively, I did not notice that. All I could remember significantly that time was my sudden emergence as one of the top five students in the class. Was I boosting my academic standing in place of my personal relationship with Sen? That I could not infer. Was I overconfident that our friendship was still on smooth plane? I could only guess.

Fourth year came and no progress happened between Sen and me. Oblivion took me so badly that I seemed to not even care on the friendship that I built with Sen. One afternoon came, our class had an open forum. He was standing on the platform, in front of us, his classmates, releasing his frustrations to some of our classmates’ behavior (He was a class officer then). While he was talking, I was looking directly to his face. Then, it came to me what had been between the two of us. Everything came back to me with a hard hit. Our friendship was in ruins. How could I be so neglectful of him after everything that we had and everything that he had done to me? He was the first person to appreciate me despite my unappealing look and obese physique. He chose me as his best friend. He took me the way I was. He treated me special. How could I forget?

That moment, guilt crawled through my veins. I was an irresponsible friend. How could I have let him down? Then I cried. I cried for the longest time. I cried everyday since then. I regretted the moment I forgot he was my best friend. I was his.

I tried to make up. I really tried despite my reservations and timidity. Some of my classmates and friends knew why I often cried. My seatmate knew. She was my shoulder to cry on. Every day, I’d cry to her my frustrations and my pains. My strong urge to bring back the relationship even inspired her to bring back her old friendship with her former best friend.

My sadness and willingness to bring back the “old us” was made known to him when I burst into tears in our English class. I was asked to recite a line from “The Secret of the Fox”, and excerpt from “The Little Prince”. The passage was about friendship – “… whatever you tame you become responsible” – and it hit me straight through my heart. The teacher was surprised about my very emotional reaction on the line and asked if the person involved with my breakdown was in the class. Some of my classmates knew it was Sen. That time, Sen was crouching on his deck – he already knew it was him I was referring. When the teacher got the hint that the person was Sen, she cajoled us to talk. That was the starting point of our mending.

Though there was willingness in both of us to make up, the situation was quite difficult to please then. Sen had a new close friend, a new best friend perhaps, in the person of our class valedictorian. He knew the situation and I guess it made him quite uncomfortable. Well, I was also uncomfortable dealing with the status quo, especially in trying to squeeze in myself in between him and Sen. Most of the time, I’d just waiver and just let what was already established with them and what was diminished between Sen and me. Sometimes, I’d get the feeling of hopelessness that I couldn’t get things back the way they were. In fairness to Sen, he exerted time and effort to catch up with me. Despite our “talk” during the open forum, we still did not have the courage (?) or confidence to talk about us – our friendship. Instead, we were more of talking to our common friends. They were the ones who helped us somehow to rebuild our lost friendship.

Those remaining few months, my longing for Sen intensified. Knowing that we only had limited time before running into college, we still tried to bring things back. Letters and cards started to flow again – a Birthday card, a Christmas card, and even a Valentine’s card. We tried to spend more time together though there were times his new close friend would be in the scene, I’d just hold back because I did not want to be hurting the latter. Besides, it was not my intention to break their friendship. I was just trying to bring back my relationship with Sen.

Just a couple of months before graduation, Sen’s efforts and mine were giving us a bit of progress, but not the actual achievement that I was wanting. It was then that thoughts of hopelessness messed my head. The past could not be brought back between Sen and I, I said in my mind. Still, my feelings remained steadfast. Sen to me was still my best friend - the one special friend in my heart. And I committed to that. I wanted him to know that. I let him knew that through my letters. I expressed my deepest intentions, care and love. There was even a time when I sworn to myself that if ever I’d ever have a new best friend, I’d want it to be him.

High school culminated. My relationship with Sen never came back the way it was in 1997. I was awfully hurting and equally frustrated. The past was gone between the two of us. We led different courses in college though in the same university. In my mind and heart, he was my special friend and nothing could change that, even if I had my new set of friends. For some odd reasons, despite our proximity in school, I did not do so much to have time with him. Probably it was because of some adjustment in the university life and some other concerns that put my personal life at the back seat. Nevertheless, nothing changed in my mind and heart, only the temporal situation.

So, we led different lives. We had occasional meet-ups. A lot of things changed in him, also in me. But my heart did not. It was still set for him. For all I knew then, the best friend who took my heart away was the one I wanted to have for life.

-----

Leaving behind some sweet memories…

You gave me a “farewell letter” after first year high school ‘cause you thought I’d be away to Australia with my family. In it were your sweetest thoughts… your most down to earth. I love all of its parts, the erasures, the language you used, the sketch, the pig face, your handwriting…. You were the first person to say your deepest, which none of my loved ones had done for me. And I appreciated you making a poem especially for me. It was totally unexpected of you.

On our field trip, you brought snacks for yourself. Little did I know, you brought some for me.

You wrote me a summer letter though you weren’t able to send it to me. So, you just gave it when school resumed the following school year.

During fourth year, we were in the bus going back to Pampanga from Manila. We were in the recovery stage of our friendship. You fell asleep and dropped your head on my right shoulder and rested like that until we reached our destination.

-----

Sen opened up my heart. He took it without him knowing. And I think I have started taking it back.

In the past year, I was so stubborn with him. Though I started moving on after March 16, 2007, I was still a work in progress.

March 16, 2007 – The day I professed my love to him. "I love you" came too late....

That long time wasn’t easy to let go. It wasn’t something petty that I’d consider throwing away for nothing. Sen was a special person; He is still. The thing that I’d have to admit was that we couldn’t be more than what I wanted him to be. As what he had said, “I can only do so much as a friend”. That was simply hard for me to bear – he had tamed me to feel for him.

May 2007, I started pushing myself to move on from my wreckage. That was when Drake was born. He had helped me somehow release my emotional depression and mess. Sigh… I did not expect my failed love life could lead astray and shattered. The hurt was so awful. Awful… awful….

I was distracted most of the time. My productivity levels in the office went lower than usual. The not so very busy days made it even worse for me that I felt I was being punished for loving someone. Day by day I would daydream of Sen… the emotional investment I made, the could-have-beens, the would-have-beens.

Days went on to me making me feel long for love… and to be loved back. A strong urge to have someone haunted me a lot. I felt like I so badly wanted to have a partner who would love me unconditionally.

Some acquaintances/dates I had were always with optimism that the person I was with could really be “the one”. It was like I was so desperate to have a partner; that even if the person was not my type, I’d still reconsider; that even if the person wasn’t deserving, I was ready to compromise. My overzealous pursuits were born of frustrations, which’s, at hindsight, not a fair deed. I was such a pity. Utterly pathetic.

So it came to me, just recently, how I’ve been so preoccupied about this so-called “love life” of mine, when in fact it does not even exist. I was so bothered, frustrated and depressed on something that was apparently futile. It ate me whole to the point of leaving my other priorities behind and even jeopardizing my faith. The phase was overwhelming to me. So, I quelled.

-----

I write this down, the last post of Drake’s Ragbag, with my defenses turned off. I do not write all of these to impress or to gain sympathy or ridicule from you. I just want to leave these thoughts here for good. They’ve been suppressed inside my system for a very long time and I would not want to be carrying extra baggage anymore. Enough is enough.

Sen was my best friend. He was my first love.

Sen is still a friend. And that’s what I have in him.

Life is really about choices. No matter how hard the chore of choosing is, a choice is to be made. I should stick to my choice. And I choose to free myself from this romantic stubbornness.

I choose to free myself from my long-been fantasy about Sen.

I choose to free myself from overzealous romantic pursuits.

.
.
.

My new day has come and I am starting it.

-----

Just before I bid goodbye from Drake's Ragbag, let me just thank the following people...

To Sib, thank you for your unending support and love. Need I say more? You were always there for my sick heart. Mwah!

To Neldz, my officemate-turned-friend, thank you for the acceptance and for your listening heart, especially on times when I bothered you on your busy days.

To Ef, my high school crush (hehe, may ganon talaga noh?), despite your adjustment in your recent immigration to the US, you still have time to talk with me about my odd days. Dacal a salamat Ef! I'm always here for you my dear friend.

To Ruff, thank you for the commiseration and concern you expressed on my down times last year.

To James, thank you for being a motivation to pass through my days. Your posts make me grounded. Thanks for your generosity... for the Christmas gift. May God bless you always.

To Tokikot, thanks for being kind. I appreciate your gesture of letting me meet you. You are one passionate person.

To Makoy, thank you for being supportive in my blogging. Your kindness is well-appreciated.


Sincerely,
Francis

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
- The Secret of the Fox

A New Hobby (again?)

Last December, my officemate let me try her set of rainbow-colored fabric pois. Little did I know then that I'd actually be interested in twirling pois. Not until last Christmas vacation when I made improvised "sock pois" from old stockings from my grandma's closet and hollow rocks (yes... rocks - means "ouch" when hit) did I realize I was being enthused to this form of art. I practiced some moves taught by my officemate and some from Home of Poi. Though the moves seemed to be easy to do, the actual execution required eye-hand coordination and a relaxed mind. The trials fared well though. And from there, I pursued.

One thing I like about poi twirling is that it exercises my arm muscles (including parts of my shoulder and upper back) quite well. This obsession to physical activities is driving me loco in the past year... from swimming, to capoeira, to poi twirling... whew. (By the way, I still swim and still practice capoeira)

Thanks to my officemate who let me try her poi set. Now, I'm twirling my own.

Ok, I won't eat my "baon" here

While I was in queue for my lunch order in a nearby cheap canteen, I saw this sign on the wall...

So conio the carinderia manang ah! Haha!

Hey hey hey!

Hey best friend! Hey soul mate!!

I terribly miss You!

It's been a spell since we last met... Tsk tsk...

Ibon-Ebon Festival

This may be out of league for this blog, but I can't help but be proud to announce about the first ever Department-of-Tourism-supervised festival from my hometown Candaba, in the province of Pampanga - the Ibon-Ebon Festival (translates to: Bird-Egg Festival).

The Ibon-Ebon Festival will be held on February 1-2, 2008. To know more about this foray of festivities, click any of the related links below:

• Byahilo's Ibon-Ebon Feature
  
• Candaba's Website (I didn't know until this morning that my hometown actually has a website albeit the not so good design and structure)
  

Re: Re: To be one of the 100?

January 4, 2008, 12:18 PM, I received an SMS from my Aunt:

Someone called from 1 vs 100 and she said tomorrow is your taping. Call time is 5 PM. Enter through the audience entrance and bring a valid ID.

Waah! After more than three months from the day of screening... after almost being oblivious of my mob member application, I finally got a taping schedule for 1 VS 100.

It was last Saturday that I got inside ABS-CBN's compound once more for the taping of 1 VS 100. In as much as I would want to detail what has been during the actual taping, I would not want to preempt avid viewers of the show who might be reading this post. Don't worry, I won't spoil or give the questions in the episode I was in. Hehe.

Anyway, just to summarize ('cause I don't have much time. The new year has been busy for me as I have been training new employees and surely do not have the luxury to blog so much.) what has transpired that evening of January 5:

• I was so nervous during the show - my presence there was definitely out of my league and I couldn't tell if I was enjoying my stay in the studio or not. Keying my answer for every question was a chore, plus the fact that the 6-second time limit was a bit mind-blocking and thought-disrupting - my common-sense almost got paralyzed by my nervousness and chills from the frigid studio. Next time, I'd bring a jacket.
  
• The episode's contestant (a.k.a. "The 1") was Aiko Melendez. She was playing for some charitable cause.
  
• There were two pastors in the mob; some devotees of the Black Nazarene; some wood sculptors from Pampanga; and some Moriones dancers from Tondo, Manila
• Out of some luck, I answered all given questions correctly (and nervously!)

Yes... the last item in the list suggests that I was "awarded" after the game an orange shirt, with a flaming text on the front shouting...


I'll not tell you if I got some cash prize or not - no spoilers here. This souvenir shirt would suffice for the moment. (^_^)

¡Feliz Cumpleaños Jesus!

I thought I would not be able to post any entry this week due to my yearly Christmas banishment to the rurals. Err... OK, not really the rurals - my hometown's not that estranged from civilization and from the benefits of Industrial Revolution.

I, together with my mother and two brothers, went to the mall. It's by good chance that I brought my laptop and dined at Burger King 'cause it has free WiFi access. That's why I get to blog right now. Hehe.

So how was this year's December?

----------

The Universidad de Santo Tomas has always been known for its annual Paskuhan - the institution's university-wide Christmas party. For some circumstances, I went to the event, though very late at around 9 PM (yeah, and I missed the fireworks). My so-called "school-coming" was quite emotionally corny and utterly nostalgic. You see, it's been almost a couple of years since I last set foot on the humble grounds of UST. The ghost of my college days just went through my nerves and I was suddenly feeling "studentish" again. Plus the fact that some of my college guy friends, the ones who formed my college clique, were there. I just couldn't help but be reminiscent despite a lot of changes in the infrastructures and student atmosphere in the campus (I must give note that a lot of UST students that I saw were so different from the once I've actually encountered and dealt with three years back.)

----------

The infamous company Christmas party was at it again... and needless to say, it was a costume party again, only this time, a Retro Christmas party (contrary to the boring Hat party of 2005 and the floral Luau party of 2006). It would have been a hard time for me looking for a vintage costume set if not for my resourceful Aunt who have a friend who collects fancy costumes. I opted for a 70s costume set of a butterfly-collared top, a pair of bell-bottom jeans, and a pair of humongous sun glasses. The costume was great (I think I even had one of the bests in the party), except for my fat ass, which a lot of my officemates noticed (and they actually bullied me for this... err).

The yearly department presentations were included in the program. And for the second time, my team won. I was so proud 'cause I was one of the organizers of the team. I just felt so happy that our 5PM practice everyday, despite haunting busy work and deadlines, paid-off.

----------

Some of the gifts I received this Christmas!
The big Elmo's from my dear best friend. She surprised me with this - I didn't really expect she would remember me wanting an Elmo stuffed toy (It was two years ago the last time I was so compelled to buy Elmo). Thanks guys! Merry Christmas!

----------

Err... it's already 4PM... my mother and brother are waiting for me to finish this blog entry. I guess I'll end at this point and just continue my Christmas entry when I get back in the metro... or by chance tomorrow... that is, if I go to the mall. Hehe.

But before I leave, let me leave my sincere greetings to you dear reader even if it's two days late... Merry Christmas! Even if you can't get a wedge of the Strawberry Cheesecake I baked last Christmas eve, let me still share it with you, even if just through this photo.

Happy New Year too! (^_^)

A Gift from James

December 8, 2007, 7:55 PM

Tired from swimming and lack of sleep, I dragged myself up the second floor and entered my humble room. Turning on the lights, I saw a seemingly foreign object down the desk of my dresser - a parcel! Presumptuously, I already knew who sent the package; It was from James!

The natural feeling went over me - thrilled to open the package just like the feeling of excitement and anticipation a kid experiences while opening his birthday presents (I'm such a kid-at-heart). Though I already know beforehand the contents of the parcel, I was still very much excited to open it. I even unpacked it carefully enough not to torn much of the packing (I like keeping packings of letters and stuff sent to me). I was so so delighted when I fully uncovered James' gift.

Here it is...


Thank you very much James! It's really really nice of you to even get me an original copy (bumili ka pa yata talaga ng bagong kopya para sa akin). Thanks a lot James! You just don't know how happy you made me be. God bless you James! You're one kind generous man. (^_^)

A million thanks! Thanks thanks thanks! >:D<

A weeklong banishment from the cellular world

It's been almost a week since my phone gracefully crashed. The cause? I surely don't know. My phone just can't seem to start up properly. Whenever I push the power button, the LCD lights up, stays that way for a couple of seconds or so, and then shuts off. One of my officemates said it might have been squeezed in my crowded backpack and rendered the it inoperable.

For the record, my SE K700i has been with me the longest time - two years and three months. My previous phones lasted in my possession for only less than a year due to some unlikely reasons (e.g. being held up by gunned robbers and by a fat tattooed man with a knife, being snatched through the side pocket by an adjacent man pretentiously sleeping on the driver's seat of a jeepney, and ridiculously leaving the phone alone inside the classroom).

This is bad timing - I don't need another major expenditure to get a new mobile phone. My plan for that is next year. I just hope it gets fixed (the phone is now in the possession of some technician my aunt recommended) and at least recover my contacts.

Days without mobile communication surely was weird. My habits were abruptly altered: no more music playing while dressing up in the morning, no more lullabies before slumber (my phone sings for me), no alarm to wake me up on time (my analog alarm clock is also dysfunctional so I just trust my body clock for now), and of course, no communication with far-away friends and family. Pathetic as it may sound, but I miss my phone. It's never normal the day it went comatose and got confined in the ICU of the technician's hub.

If all else fail and my phone is delivered to the morgue, I'd have no choice but be compelled to scout for a new replacement. I just hope my funds would cater this expense this holiday season a.k.a. the season of spending.

IV - X - MCMLXXXV

Was tagged by Flinch of Feast on Chaos. Here goes my reply.

Procedures:
1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a
comment for them.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!

Natal Day: IV - X - MCMLXXXV

Loves to chat - Lately, yes. Chatting, especially with friends over a coffee table, seems to be very relaxing to me. It's sort of a stress reliever.
Loves those who loves them - Of course. No-brainer.
Loves to take things at the center - Ideally, yes, but I do get distracted at times.
Inner and physical beauty - It's difficult to say an acceptable yes or no here. Either way, you might think I'm too confident esteeming myself. The truth is, more often than not, the "beauty" that I hold I underrate. Though I'd like to believe I have more of the inner beauty.
Lies but doesn’t pretend - In as much as my consciousness is concerned, I don't approve on lies in the same degree as with pretension. Though I would have to give comment that during my younger years, I had the propensity to pretend being masculine "by the norm", though innately, I wasn't. So I surmise, if you'd credit the past, I pretended more than I lied.
Gets angry often - Definitely no.
Treats friends importantly - Definitely yes - "Whatever you tame, you become responsible."
Always making friends - Not always. But whenever I establish ties, I make sure my sincerity is there.
Easily hurt but recovers easily - I would have to say yes, I hurt easily (though you might not sense it). As with the recovery, that would depend on the situation.
Daydreamer - A big YES! Hehe.
Opinionated - Yes, but would not, in most cases, do assertions.
Does not care of what others think - I would care if what they think is something substantial.
Emotional - Yes, though I was more emotionally sensitive in my younger years.
Decisive - Yes, though I may need some time to arrive at a decision. It's not an easy deal for me. But when I arrive at one, I stick to it.
Strong clairvoyance - Not really though I had a few extrasensory experiences during my high school days.
Loves to travel, the arts and literature - A big YES for traveling. With arts, that would depend on what form of art you're talking about. As with literature... uhmmm... no.
Touchy and easily jealous - If I'd have to answer this way back like more than five years ago, I'd have to answer yes! But now, well, I'm still touchy and jealous, but not on the same degree as before. I get more control now for both.
Concerned - With what? Ambiguous... Hmmm... In most aspects, yes.
Loves outdoors - Yes. This accounts to my enthusiasm with traveling.
Just and fair - I try to be one in this unjust and unfair temporal reality.
Spendthrift - I'm guilty of this one. Sue me!
Easily influenced - Not really easily influenced - I'm actually quite stubborn.
Easily loses confidence - This I'd have to check. I'd like to believe I am more resolved with my self-esteem so as not to be unconfident. But if you'd check my childhood, you'd find me to be a very very shy timid unconfident kid.
Loves children - Yes, yes, yes!

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

* As usual, I am not tagging specific bloggers to do this meme. But if you'd want to continue the tradition, make this your own and post it on your blog. (^_^)

From Suspension and Back

It's been a spell since I bothered to update Drake's Ragbag; Seems to me it's been eons already. OK... I'm just exaggerating. Frankly, I've been sporadically present in the blogosphere in the past weeks. No blog hopping and no blog updates. To tell you the truth, I do not miss it much...

Apparently, I do not qualify myself as someone would call a "certified blogger" or a blogophile. For one, writing does not come close to my "i like to do" list. Err.... Is this a paradoxical statement? So would it mean that I'm doing something I do not like right now? Well, not really.

To continue... I only get the itch to write, or in this case, to blog, in occasions when I feel cathartic enough to expel some internal tension, or when I'd want to tell some personal anecdotes. In some superficial cases, I blog to share some stuff that seem to interest or catch my attention, whether intellectual, trivial or ridiculous. The bottom line is, I blog whenever I feel like blogging. When blogging becomes a hobby of mine, that I'd have to wait and see. So please, bear with me... (^_^)

OK... so what's been with me lately?

Actually, nothing much. I've been partially occupied with intermittent office work from some same old project that I do not really like dealing with. I just despise how the project schedule goes and how many requirement change cycles have passed despite prior sign-off of the design document. Sometimes, it beats the hell out of me when the customer I have to deal with is my own employer, 'cause it could easily change the project schedule. OK... enough said about office task.

What's been keeping me up right now is capoeira. Oh yeah, it's getting addictive alright. It's been more than a month since I joined the class and I must say, every capoeira class gives me that feeling of vigor (despite the grueling exercises) to pursue on my daily tasks. This is quite silly to say, but my capoeira class motivates me to do my office work better, especially now that I don't feel anything fulfilling from my office chores. I guess capoeira covers up to that missing factor in my workplace. Haha! Absurd!

In the coming days, I'll be very busy with a different project. If management goes final and the role presumably assigned to me is fixed, I'd be on the run to total mania. This project that I'm talking about is the "Israeli" project that died more than three months ago and now had come to life to whack me to the bones. I could foresee the prolonged office hours in the next months. My Christmas break is in danger. Err... OK... I'm getting paranoid. You might be wondering why do I react as such. Well, it's hard to explain. I'll just leave it at that. Hopefully, this project would be my last best effort for this company, and hopefully, I'll do very well.

Before I go back to my indefinite suspension, let me share you this video from HappySlip.com. I've seen HappySlip videos before to prevent me from falling to slumber, and from what I've watched so far, this HappySlip video is the best for me. Enjoy the questions game. (^_^)

Sally Dworsky

Love is so moving as it turns around you
Your heart never figures out how love found you
Love's aftermath stage
'one of the lonely'
You're only a number
left counting the days.
Turning circles, turning circles...

*****

Tears fell down yesterday - that should be the last time. The haunting should wane; time should not retrograde. Thank you for your recent presence, you made it more clear to me... the joyful torment should absolutely end.


* Stanzas above excerpted from the a Lara Fabian song entitled Sally Dworsky. If you're familiar with the 1992 film The Cutting Edge, this song was the background music while Kate Moseley (played by Moira Kelly) was solitarily practicing skates in a snowy day.

Highlights of the Past 21st Year (Updated)

Culminating my 21st year last October 4th, I've been remembering what has been. A lot of my experiences, I would say, especially with my so-called "queerness", have lapsed quite astonishing; gleeful and fun-filled; at times quirky (a redundancy) and uneasy; passionate; bereft and anguished; but nonetheless rich with erudition and introspection. One reason I like about life is the endless opportunity to learn. Despite the inevitable reality of mistakes and failures, it's often worth recognizing that such vulnerability could actually be a chance to redeem one's self. To be more erudite. To be more resolved. To be more faithful perhaps....

Whoa! Slow down... That went not quite the way I wanted - too serious I guess. Err... it's just my internal chatter talking....

My intention here is a reckoning of my 21st-year events, a summation of milestones, both elating and excruciating. I would classify, or should I say rank, my 21st year as the most "uncomfortable" of all. Uncomfortable because during this year I surged the farthest away from my comfort zones. But then, it's also one of the most fun-filled, kid-at-heart satisfying years. Well, without any more fuss, here goes my list.

Swimming E-fish-ently - I got involved into this group of swimming professionals who's aim is to teach people how to swim the efficient way (i.e. the Total Immersion way). I had undergone training in improving my front crawl and subsequently was also taught how to handle students in adults and kids swim sessions. Unfortunately, due to some unexpected problems, I wasn't able to actually teach and put all my learnings to use. It's quite frustrating. Then again, the least I could do was to improve my swimming technique.
Postmortem: I still do swim regularly every week. And for the record, I could swim butterfly without struggling (yey!) though I still need improvement (as with the other strokes); Sometimes, I get it, sometimes, I don't. Practice makes perfect!
Current Stats (Average):
Front Crawl - 12 strokes per 25 m (4 breaths, with push-off)
Breaststroke - 8 strokes per 25 m (8 breaths, with push-off)
Butterfly - 10 strokes per 25 m (3 breaths, with push-off)
Backstroke - N/A (haven't tried swimming 25 m in a Total Immersion way; I often get misaligned from unconscious head tilting!)
*Mind you, I am not a competitive swimmer. Currently, I am more of being technique-oriented. I believe an efficient technique can yield faster, longer and enjoyable laps. Sometimes, I could even deem myself a mediocre in water despite the knowledge I hold.

"I love you high school best friend" - The culprit why Drake's Ragbag was conceived. The most excruciating experience of this year. The sleepless nights, the tormented mind, the unfocused employee in front of my PC, the almost-everyday absentmindedness... My first serious "cardiac" dilemma - I fell in love with Shane, my HS best friend. What I did? I told him. Yeah, I told him. It was my chance and I needed to grab it. Did it, yielded, and ended up just hurting more. Was it worth it? Yes. Despite the futility of that foray, I had the realization that I could really be in love with lack of reciprocity, and I could be stubborn at that. Then again, that same bullheadedness made me more resolute on the truth that in a situation, one is challenged to make up a decision, no matter how easy or difficult it is, in order to carry on. Yes, we are beings of whims, but we are also beings of will.
Postmortem: I followed through this gradually. One tearful night made it clear to me to accept that we're just friends. It wasn't easy, then again, I made it through somehow. With this experience, at least, I had a chance of averring to someone how much I've loved him. (Shane and I have reforged our friendship after my passionate torment.)

Bora... bora bora - Woohoo! My first airborne trip was last March's Boracay getaway with fellow officemates/friends. 'Twas a four-days-three-nights sojourn to this famous Visayan Island, with tons of epicurean anticipation. Much to the need of my "fresh" heartbreak then, I indulged to the natural wonders of the beach and the water (as with the bars, I just simply let go - I am not really fond of them.). I could not imagine how much solace Boracay smothered me then (despite the ubiquitous commercialism) - I guess I was a merman or a sea creature in my past life. It was then that I had my first open water swim (with no life support), snorkeling without a snorkel (haha! quite paradoxical) and Paraw sailing (Paraw is an outrigger boat). Also, due to some whimsical cause, I even had my hair done like a pineapple (ouch! that hurt my scalp) and by upper back painted with a henna tattoo.
Postmortem: The Philippines is one richly endowed archipelago of wondrous creations. God's really an artist. I badly wanted to go back to the beach the day we left. Thinking about the future possibilities, I might consider retiring near the beach. *wish*wish*wish* (^_^)

Puerto Galera! - Almost a couple of months after my Boracay trip, I went to Puerto Galera. 'Twas my first time then in the island so I was very excited to see the place, especially the beautiful corals and fishes that most people would tell about Puerto Galera's water. Given the various resorts available, our HR department decided to make a reservation in this secluded family beach resort. The cove was pretty much admirable, with semi-white sand and a snorkeling site, if not for the abrupt sloping of the beach and the quite turbid water. Then again, it was still a beach and there was abundance of water for swimming - that alone was enough to energize the kid in me.
The vacation wasn't all swimming though. There were games that the organizers planned for all employees to join: Charades, Dress-up Relay, and Amazing Race. I played in each game with such promise I did not even expect from myself. Especially with the Amazing Race leg, where I needed to drink almost 2 liters of cola, I violated my no-sodas rule and gulped, gulped, and gulped all the way to winning the competition. Later that day, during the evening band session, I even won an overnight stay for two, with free accommodations, on the same resort, from a "Guess the Song" game.
Postmortem: After all the day's activities, I had a realization that I could really be very competitive, be oblivious of self-consciousness, and even be daring enough to go overboard if needed. Some people in the past have noted my dedication and promise in some of my endeavors, which I have deemed in doubt due to some trivial lack of self-confidence. Just until I quaffed that volume of cola did I change my perception about myself (Hehe). As for the return and overnight stay gift certificate, I guess that would just get forfeited.

Disney, Ocean Park, Hong Kong! - A childhood dream came true when my three guy friends and I set foot on Cantonese soil - Hong Kong! It has been one of my frustrations since I started studying in school. More than seventeen years back, my Auntie-Ninang, a stewardess then, promised to bring me to Hong Kong if in any case I become valedictorian in my class. Apparently, I never grabbed that beguiling rank in all my six years in primary school. Despite my consistent listing on the honor roll, she never gave any consolation. Ergo, I ended up frustrated until I reached high school when I forwent the hope.
I would have not realized this aged aspiration if not for the persistent cajoling of one of my three friends. Considering that I had just flown to Boracay last March, another trip would be too luxurious for me and unfitting to my lifestyle - I'm just your average-earning yuppie you know. Then again, after a few internal debates in my mind, and some advice-seeking from loved-ones, I decided to book a flight.
Our three nights and three days in Hong Kong, I would say were overwhelming, both physically exhausting, from lack of sleep and too much walking, and pocket busting, from what else but shopping. From late night shopping to Disney, to shopping, to Ocean Park, to malling, to Harbour Lights & Sounds Show, to shopping, to The Peak, to shopping, to strolling, to MTR rides, to food-tripping, to Tram Rides, and to malling and shopping again, it seemed that the four of us hardly needed time to rest to cover as much of Hong Kong in our short stay there. Though it seemed I had a lot of shopping, the truth was I wasn't much of a spender then except for new food to taste - it's my guilty pleasure. My Chinese friend was the one who did much of the purchasing. And because of him, we went to this chichi mall near Victoria Harbour, where I encountered this unnerving Caucasian guy who stared at me for like 10 seconds while we were riding the escalator, fortunately, on opposite directions. If not, I would not have liked what could possibly have happened (e.g. he approaching directly onto me), given that I was with my three straight guy friends - I wasn't ready for an impromptu unlocking of my closet. Good riddance, my guy friends were oblivious of this white guy's riveting eyes.
Postmortem: It's never too late to fulfill an old dream. Especially now that I earn my own money, I can somehow direct my desires with less constraints and with a higher probability of achievement. Then again, despite the freedom to spend my earnings, never forget to do it wisely and still save some for future needs. Err... I think I violated that one.

Familial Emancipation - Finally, my parents know that their eldest son is gay. It's all sheer happiness. (^_^)

A Game Contest Screening Experience - Err... until now, I haven't received any confirmation if ABS still plans to let me join their show. Also, it seems "1 vs 100" has changed its program into "1 vs 100 Kids", an apparent defensive/offensive scheme to contend GMA 7's Pinoy version of "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?" (Kakasa ka ba sa Grade 5?). If that's the case, it would be totally impossible for me to join the mob (and my only chance is the "1" spot). Well, it's actually no big deal. Who's on the wait anyway? Hehe.

Blogger Friends - I never expected gaining friends through Drake's Ragbag. You see, I was never fond of connecting and discovering people through the Internet (Too much insincerity could get involved). Drake's Ragbag was just meant to be an outlet of my thoughts and blahs. To get involved with other people and even get the chance to meet them was something else more to my anticipation. For the record, I've already met three real people through Drake's Ragbag; had someone offering a kind gesture to send me a copy of RENT; and found a new blogger friend who even gave me a birthday present by surprise. Those were just simple events, but for me they meant something significant. I have always nurtured this attitude of appreciation for small things as equally important as the big ones. So to my dear blogger friends, most especially to those who have come "real" and in flesh, my sincere thank you to all of you. God bless! (^_^)

Blog Action Day: Environmental Concern

So, what do I do for the environment? Let me count some of the ways:

1. Whenever I buy items from 7-11, especially for a single item, I don't ask or even let the cashier bag my purchase. Also, if I am bringing my own bag, I just dumped my purchase inside it as long as I still have extra space.

2. I don't smoke cigarettes.

3. I don't have my own vehicle. (If I would, I want it to run with biofuel - Err... I just hope this does not cost much when the time comes I am to purchase.)

4. The REUSE/RECYCLE principle: for plastic bottles to be utilized again as water containers when I attend my Capoeira training and do swimming; for office printouts, reuse for doodling (hehe) and brainstorming.

5. Common sense: put the trash inside the trash bin. For segregated trash cans, put the right trash on the right bin. Need I say more?

6. Non-CFC aerosols for me. Always check the labels.

7. I reuse that "green bag" from SM Supermarket whenever I do grocery shopping since the day I got it. It would have been much better if the bag were made of canvass instead of the seemingly plastic green material.

I may have offended one of these (but never #2!) but nevertheless, in most cases, I adhere to them. Such no-brainers I assume, yet too hard to be habitual to some. What do you do for your environment? Do you still care?

Control. Discern. Adapt. Think. Decide. Move.

"Since changes are going on anyway, the great thing is to learn enough about them so that we will be able to lay hold of them and turn them in the direction of our desires. Conditions and events are neither to be fled from nor passively acquiesced in; they are to be utilized and directed."

- John Dewey

... You can't be more miserable or jubilant enough than your own doing.

Getting Combative

On the eve of my birthday, I had a taste of how it was to do some martial arts maneuvers with the guidance of an erudite trainer. This was no Chinese martial arts, as most would instinctively assume in their minds. It's Capoeira, a Brazilian dance form of martial arts.

Last Monday, when I had my second session, I finally enrolled into the class. Yey! This was like a product of The Secret. Months ago, I was practicing my cartwheel for some childhood frustrations. Then, I held knowledge about Capoeira from a men's magazine. The next thing, I found myself enthused by it. And just recently, it came into reality, like wishing it to the worldly genie responding to me: Your wish is my command. Haha! Roffle!

If you could recall one Bench commercial, which featured Rafael Rosell (only wearing a nether undergarment), the routine he did there was a series of Capoeira moves (if I am not mistaken, the first stance he did was esquiva frontal).

Whatever!!!

This kid is so cute doing the Whatever!!! routine. Hehe. Very funny with eye rolling and hand raising. Whatever!!! (^_^) Cute cute! I just hope she doesn't grow an attitude with this act.

Self-Portrait: Thankful

Hi! My name is Nineteen. Today is my birthday and I am three years old. Drake's my surrogate father. I've been in his custody from the time my six godparents presented me to him on his nineteenth natal day. (^_^)

Free View My Desktop

Makoy tagged me for this one... So here's my current desktop screen cap. =)

The desktop background is a photo I took on my last day in Boracay this past summer. Apparently, I have a number of opened windows/applications just minimized in the taskbar on the left - work obviously. I maintain a few icons so as not to clutter and in a way deface my desktop background's visually transmissible solace. On the top right corner, you see five yellow squares, are minimized e-Post-its where I dump miscellaneous notes. And on the lower right, obviously, is iTunes running.

If you like your readers to have a peep of your desktop, then I am tagging you to do this. (^_^)

TAG STARTS HERE

My Desktop Free View Instruction:

A. Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun. You can do a screen capture by:

[1] Going to your desktop and pressing the Prnt Scrn key.

[2] Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and do a Paste (CTRL + V).

[3] If you wish, you can “edit” the image, before saving it.

B. Post the picture in your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop just below it if you want. You can explain why you preferred such look or why is it full of Icons, things like that.

C. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktop as well. (Sorry, I did not follow this one)

D. Add your name to this list of Free Viewers with a link pointing directly to your Desktop Free View post to promote it to succeeding participants.

iRonnie - I Set No Corner | Thess - Thesserie | Rebecca - Skippy Heart | Knoizki - A Dialogue With K | Dicey - Dice Six | Pao - Lifelog Beng Hafner - Kauderwelsch | Bluepanjeet - OTWOMD | Melai - Manilenya | Kofi - 3 Shots Of Espresso | Marni - Midori-X | Nika - Clay Pots and Wooden Spoons Marie - Vanidosa | Girlie - Hip n Cool Momma | KK - My Good Finds | Francine - Chez Francine | Sardonicnell - Tales of A Melodramatic Moron | Azrael - AZRAELMauri - MAURISM | Emmyrose - Just Let Go | Kristine - The Mind of a Kristine Sendy | Tere - Journey in Life | JP aka Elmo - Ako si Eagleman! | Lotis - In a class by itself Mindy - MindyTV’s Home | Caroline - Gagiers Striking Zone | Jojie - Spontaneity | Jeangr3y - Letters From The Soul | Kristine - All In My Head | Rhapsody - Rhapsody Yenny - Me and Mine | Krisa - POINT & CLICK | Kengkay - Kwentong Kengkay | Taroogs - Taragis | Weng - Munchkin Mommy | Bursky - At wit’s end| Lutchi - My Two Cents Worth| Stel - Baby Rambutan | Jenny - My 3 boys and I | Cheh - Moderately Confused Pinay in Deutschland | ZouL1380 - ZouL1380 | Katherine - Underneath | JP - I Digress | Jenny - Wandering Thoughts | Rho - RhoRho’s Flow |Sofie-Sehdi | Pikey - Simple Tofu | Sha -Shalimar | Ferdz-EnRoute | Makoy - Makoy's Memoirs Of A Certified Blogger | Drake - Drake's Ragbag

Surprise Call

10:54 AM, Delifrance, The Podium

After paying the sandwich I ordered, the cashier lady handed me my change and my order number - 4 (Must be my lucky day; Four's my number). I sat on the chair of one of the vacant table sets and waited patiently to get my midday repast. Whimsically, I checked my phone to see if there were lingering new SMS in my inbox. To my surprise, someone was calling.... The number: +000000 - how obscure.... Coming to my senses, I thought it might be some computer generated or international call dispatched indirectly to my number.

"Hello?", I said. No one answered.
"Hello?", I said again. This time someone answered back with a familiar voice. Who could that be?
Rehashing my memory... oh my gosh! It's Jannah, my college friend who's been living in the US for three years now.

She called me just to greet me a Happy Birthday - geez, how thoughtful of her to do.. Well, it's not yet my natal day. Then again, she ringed me just to make sure she does not forget to leave me a greeting.

Thanks Jannah! I appreciate the call very much! Hope to see you back here in Pinas. Don't forget, I still owe you a movie date. (^_^)